Esther recently turned two. When she was a tiny, snuffling, helpless little newborn, I would look in horror at two-year-olds. They were monstrous. Huge, noisy, messy, uncontrollable, and really quite unlovable, as far as I could see. I remember pressing my lips against her downy little head and shedding a few silent tears at the thought of my precious baby turning into something so big and unappealing. Luckily,that day was so far away that I really didn't have to worry too much about it.
Well, now that day is here. Although my daughter will always be my baby, I can no longer get away with referring to her as one. She's been a toddler for a long time already, and really, she's turning into a little girl.
Suddenly, I find myself being the mother of a comparatively huge, reasonably noisy and fairly messy child. A child with long legs, sharp elbows, and an endlessly inquisitive mind. A child who will shout MAMMA READ MORE READ MORE READ MORE if her father is rude enough to interrupt with a question while I'm reading the pling-pling book to her for the umpteenth time. A child who will pour a glass of orange juice over the kitchen floor, jump in the resulting puddle, and then run away giggling when admonished. Certainly, a child I would have dismissed as a monster a mere two years ago.
And still, I love her so much my heart could burst.
Because this monstrous child of mine will also smile at me during dinner, put her foot in my lap, and sweetly demand "mamma stroke foot". She will feed me grapes from her bowl, so eager to share her favourite fruit with me that she forgets to eat them herself. She will arrange a pile of cushions in front of the sofa, climb up and count to three, and leap off with all the joy and exuberance that any skydiver could possibly muster.
What I didn't know - couldn't know - was that it just gets better. She gets lovelier, funnier, more and more wonderful. I know that now.
But that doesn't stop me from grabbing her as she runs past, pulling her close, kissing her head, breathing in her scent, and thinking Please don't grow up. Please stay with me always. And I still shed silent tears, here and there.
So I don't know if I've learned very much, during these past two years. The only thing I'm really certain of is that being here to watch her grow up makes me the luckiest person in the world.
Comments